There are a lot of fun things one can do with a console. They can bring lots of happiness to those who wish to escape from the grind of everyday life by blowing stuff up, being the first one across the finish line, or getting past that annoying jumping puzzle. These wonderful consoles do a lot for us, but really all they functionally do is gaming. What's more is that they are quite good at what they do. Almost all of the world's best games are on some console. It does not matter if the console is a SNES, PS2, X-Box, or even a NeoGeo. Games are games really, and you buy the console that has what you want... most of the time. All consoles have one universal truth- people use them for gaming. That is their design, that is their fate, and that is their destiny.

Unfortunately for humanity's sake there are those that want to play God. There are some sick, twisted individuals who for some incredibly unknown reasons want to install some unintended piece of software on a console to make it into something it is not. Whatever the reason or whatever the OS, there does not seem to be a major point to it. It is hard to fathom why valuable time is spent removing the a handheld's installed OS and replacing it with Linux. You must hear me out on this. For starters I love Linux. I use it at work for development. I use it at home for all of my networking and network services. At no point have a I woken up sweating in the middle of the night because some horrible nightmare was displaying the horrors of a Linux-free handheld. Putting an OS on a platform may be done only because "it's cool."

What's really sad is that I feel a compulsive need to mention this every time a new console comes out, because immediately afterward it's time figure out a way to install Linux on it. I've written a mutation of this rant before but it bears repeating despite the fact that this point has been beaten to death now. Clearly being able to write a bootloader to install Linux on anything imaginable can happen. It's been done on the XBox. It's been done on the PS2. It is even on the Dreamcast (which today may be the only practical use for a Dreamcast). Now it has been done on the Nintendo DS. Not surprisingly it is also actively being worked on for the PSP. We get it. You like destroying the whole point of a console.

There have been lots of people clamoring for OS's on platforms in public forum, with no real explanation as to the value it brings. If you want to install an OS on your console, that's fine. Just do not infect mine, OK? Can you deal with that? Are you able to grasp that I care more about watching ants pushing salt across my desk than how you think my console should work? I buy consoles for gaming and gaming alone. If I want to play with Linux then off to the PC it goes. That is really the point, isn't it? Is spending money on a console or handheld worth the 6 months in pain and suffering takes to figure out how to install your favorite OS on a console? Perhaps you're just waiting until someone else figures it out. That's okay with me, but is it really worth only buying devices that can run Linux? Is it that important? Most Linux people run it because it keeps big corporations from preventing people from using their computers the way they want to. Any OS that can be spread this quickly onto multiple consoles reminds me of the Borg. Look, just go to work for a week and earn the cash for an actual PC instead of wasting your time, not to mention everyone else's, if that is indeed the case. You really don't need Linux on a Nintendo DS. Take my word for it.

About two years ago a saga began with some really interesting people who were dying to install Linux on the XBox. Most of us had a good laugh, and those who did not were more than likely complaining that their consumer rights were being violated. Look- I am no law professor, but neither are these whining lunatics who feel that installing Linux everywhere will save the universe from the perils of Microsoft. Sitting here in a rocking chair in front of a roaring fireplace with a robe and slippers smoking a pipe while petting my pet dog curled on my lap and portraying my love for Microsoft quite simply is not going to happen now or any other time- mainly because no such love exists. At least it provided for Penny Arcade to write one of the funniest comics of all time. In my opinion once anything becomes commonplace it is a problem whether it is something I like or not. Could you imagine if everyone used the same electronics, ate the same food, drove the same car, or read the same magazines? Life would suck.

But these console rapists won't leave us alone, will they? After all this time there still has been no logical reason to install Linux on the gaming devices. Undoubtedly it is an impressive achievement in figuring out how to do this. You do have to have a really extensive low-level knowledge of computing (and by low-level knowledge I mean a detailed architectural understanding) to figure that stuff out. Those of you wondering how this can be done should look at the XBox example. It was done by using a file that masqueraded as a MechAssault saved game (yet another reason not to play that game) that was really a hand-crafted file that would use buffer overflow techniques to allow a Linux CD to be a valid boot disc on the XBox. As I said- this is impressive stuff. Is it practical or meaningful? I have yet to see or be told how. If you are able to name 10 friends that would become excited by seeing Linux work on XBox then you have become a little too myopic in your geek-dom. The fact that this is coming from a die-hard geek and gaming addict should alarm you.

There are already portable devices that run Linux that interact with WiFi and the web. These devices are called PDA's and cellular phones. So why even bother destroying the whole point of a DS and PSP? These devices were made for the purpose of next generation portable gaming. What, are the crappy cellular phone games that much better that you simply need them on a superior handheld device? Sure, the DS and PSP can be used for tasks other than gaming. Sony loves the fact that people are writing their own modules to add in functionality to the PSP. So why install a new OS over it when you can already add whatever the hell you want?!?!?!.

I've tried, and I just don't get it. Is Nintendo now viewed as an untrustworthy company? Is that why running the loaded operating system on the DS is no longer an option for some people? It's not as if you can't get a cheaper PDA to do the same stuff that already comes with Linux on it. Apparently every device on the planet needs Linux. Maybe it's a funds thing. The PDA is still cheaper, and if you really are that low on funds why purchase games at all?

It is all very confusing. Also, navigation without a keyboard could be a major pain. On the DS if you get the bootloader to recognize input coming in from the stylus you may have something there. For a while now major companies like IBM and some universities have been doing internal projects and research on this. So was PCU right? You can major in Gameboy now? Why we are paying institutions of higher learning to get AS/400 on a PSOne? Even those doing the research state that they do not expect anyone outside the lab to do this type of operation. Please tell us then that the goal of the research is to figure out a way to install any OS on the console, because otherwise you are wasting valuable money. Tell you what, give me some grant money to figure out the fastest way to get to level 60 in World of Warcraft. At least there are thousands of people that would find value in that research.

You'll have to forgive me for being harsh, but I cannot think of another way to react to this. Until there is a valid reason presented to me on why we need to strip consoles of their value and add an OS to it that can easily be installed on its intended platform I am going to claim that this is as much of a waste of time as the Anna Nicole Smith show. As this is intended to teach you the proper way to use a console, let me provide a little direction. First, consoles are used for gaming. I have included a small list for those of you who may be confused by this. It is a list of nothing but platforms and what they should be used for:

• NES- Zelda, Mario, Tecmo Bowl, Castlevania, Mega Man, and Tetris for the hardcore gamer
  (because only true gaming enthusiasts appreciate these games).


• Genesis- Sonic, Shining Force, Phantasy Star, perhaps Shinobi, and that's it.


• SNES- Retro gaming at its finest. Final Fantasy, Chrono, Top Gear, Mario, F-Zero, Star Fox,
  Mega Man, and a few other high quality games.


• NeoGeo- One of the most expensive doorstops ever made.


• PlayStation- Final Fantasy, Crash Bandicoot, NHL Faceoff, Tony Hawk, Twisted Metal,
  Resident Evil, Tekken, and maybe a few others on the most revolutionary system of all-time.


• Saturn- This had a CD, right?


• Jaguar- Let's put it this way: do you know anyone who has one?


• N64- Did they make something other than Goldeneye or Rogue Squadron?


• DreamCast- Skies of Arcadia, Soul Calibur, Crazy Taxi, and, um, ...


• PS2- Tekken, GTA, FFX, NBA 2003, Metal Gear, Onimusha, Tony Hawk 4, Kessen, GT3 & 4,
  Kingdom Hearts, and a couple others.


• Gamecube- Too small to be a doorstop.


• XBox- Midnight Club, Knights of the Old Republic, Halo, Prince of Persia, and Baldur's Gate.
  We're still waiting on other stuff I imagine.

All other uses for these consoles are a waste of time and therefore shall be forbidden when I submit my Console Preservation Act. There will be a few extra games mentioned as exceptions and really the list can expand and contract based on a person's own gaming taste, but other than that if you want to use an OS put it on a computer, damn it. Not every device on the planet needs to be turned into a router or networked terminal.